Dear Getaway...

I've been a big fan of the Disney Parks for many years, and I took my wife to Disneyland for her first visit on our honeymoon, so obviously it holds a special place in our hearts.

That said, I was very disappointed by your coverage of Disneyland in the March 24 show.

The two incredibly brief segments on the park did nothing to sell the magic of this particular park. Sure, you had the presenters getting their photos with Mickey and spinning the tea cups, but so have the other thousand travel pieces done about Disneyland over the years.

Indeed, a viewer in Australia who has never been to Disneyland would simply think, "It's just walking-around characters and kiddy rides and junk food. Just like Movie World, or Dreamworld, except a lot further away."

I doubt that's what the California Travel and Tourism Commission would want to hear.

The intrinsic magic of Disneyland is the thought that has gone into the minor details, as well as the major set pieces. For every awesomely themed ride (like the Indiana Jones ride), there are small touches that a lot of people don't notice, but add to the experience of being at The Happiest Place on Earth (for example, gum isn't sold at Disneyland, so little chance of getting a shoe-full of sticky stuff).

For example, here's a quick list of ten points that would have made a bigger impression on someone who has never been, or never taken their family, to Disneyland.

1. On first entering the park, the entrance is designed like a movie premiere. You enter the park through one of two tunnels, walking on red concrete (ie, the red carpet), past billboards for rides (ie, coming attractions), before arriving in Main Street USA. And what's the first thing you smell when you arrive? Popcorn.

From there, the windows along Main Street display the names of people who were instrumental in the creation of Disneyland, like the credits of a movie.

And who has the last credit? Walt Disney, of course.

2. If it's your first visit, go to the Town Hall and receive your "First Visit" sticker. Then for the rest of the day, you can receive special treats and treatments from the Cast Members, the occasional free item or escorting to the front of the line.

This is also the same if it's your birthday, anniversary and honeymoon.

3. A great way to get a view of the whole park is to take the train, which circles the park. Walt Disney loved trains, to the point of having his own train setup in his backyard. The train leaves the Main Street station and travels through all the lands, stopping in New Orleans Square, Toon Town and Tomorrowland, so you can get on and off as you please.

Another effect of having the train running around the park on a raised berm is that once you're in the park, you no longer see the outside world, adding to the immersive experience.

4. While a day at Disneyland can be chaotic, loud and frenetically colourful, there's the occasional spot of peace and quiet. For example, the Court of Angels in New Orleans Square, or the Wishing Well and fountain in front of the Castle. But more importantly, there's a spot of peace and quiet for babies. The Baby Care room is available for parents to feed, change and comfort their smallest children, an oasis from the noise and bustling activity.

5. You will see a lot of Mickey Mouse heads during your visit to Disneyland, but some aren't as easy to spot as others. Known as "Hidden Mickeys", these are little flourishes added by the park's designers and creators. And they can be anywhere: on the rides or in the queues, in the shops, or even just out on the street.

6. If you have a multi-day ticket, or stay at the Disney hotels, you will get an Extra Magic Hour, which means you can get in an hour earlier than the general public on certain days, which means you can get an hour of rides in, then sit down for a leisurely breakfast while other people are still coming through the turnstiles.

7. If you've seen the fireworks over the castle from Main Street, surely it doesn't get any better than that? Well maybe not, but for a different experience, try getting a possie in front of it's a small world. Along with the fireworks, you'll also get to watch an accompanying visual presentation displayed across the front of the ride's facade.

8. A lot of work goes into making each of the lands inside Disneyland its own closed environment, but of course, there's gonna be the need to link each land to its neighbours. The designers of the park put a lot of time and effort into making these transitions as smooth as possible, so next time you move from, for example Frontierland to Fantasyland, notice how the environment changes, from the footpath surfacing, building designs, trees and shrubs, and even the background music.

9. Sure, there's a plethora of junk food: popcorn, fairy floss, turkey legs the size of your head. That's great for the kids, but sometimes, you need something a bit classier. Why not go on a ride and grab some food? OK, maybe not quite, but The Blue Bayou offers the next best thing. Once you enter the restaurant, you've arrived at a southern style plantation from the turn of the century (or possibly earlier). Anytime of the day, it's just after dusk in here, and your seat on the patio overlooks the swamps of Louisiana. And who is that floating past on a regular basis? Boatfuls of people just about to drop down a waterfall and experience Pirates of the Caribbean. You've become a part of their ride experience, so watch your manners at the table.

10. The Jungle Cruise is a favourite for a lot of people, and it's one of the original rides from Opening Day 1955. A ride during the day is a lot of fun, but for a different experience, try jumping aboard after dark. The same applies for other outdoor rides, such as Big Thunder Mountain.

That's just ten points of interest that differentiate Disneyland from other theme parks. I think these aspects would be a much better selling point for Disneyland than the standard "let's get a photograph of us gurning with Disney characters" and "look, we're going to vomit in the tea cups" footage.

We enjoy watching Getaway and having a bit of a dream about the places we could go, but on this occasion, I think you dropped the ball. It was much like having a five minute segment on Paris saying "Look, we're up on the Eiffel Tower. Now, we're eating baguettes and wearing striped shirts. Eww snails!"

Rant over.

(posted here because the Getaway site doesn't like feedback over 1000 characters, or containing links. And I just had to get it off my chest.)

A Happy Place

Welcome back. Where you been? I've been sitting here waiting for you to turn up!

Look, we can argue about who's not been blogging and who has, but the truth is: you've missed me, haven't you?

I knew it.

It's OK. It can be our little secret.

Meanwhile, I've kept busy adding to my portfolio of shirt designs at redbubble, in between my job as a Graphic Designer, my job as a loving husband and my job as occasionally-seen-and-therefore-still-a-novelty dad.

Also, we're looking at housing options. In particular: we should really look at getting somewhere with some more space. Stay tuned for more info, but as the runes are cast presently, we're selling up and moving, hopefully also up.

But enough about me, let's talk about me.

Me and my dirty mind had this great idea which I thought was bloody funny, but probably wouldn't translate to the general community.

I wanted to take the quote from Walt Disney, from the opening of Disneyland back in 1955 ("To all who come to this happy place, Welcome.") and stick it on the front of a bikini bottom.

You see, because it would sound dirty, while appealing to Disneyphiles! Funny huh?

...

Well, anyway, I haven't done that. Yet. Maybe I still will.

In the meantime, I thought about combining the famous quote with a bunch of Hidden Mickeys, so that while you standing in line for that next ride at Disneyland or Disney World or, at a pinch, Universal's Islands of Adventure, people could stare at your shirt and try to find as many hidden mickeys as they can.

So that's the background of this design: something to cure the boredom of being at that "happy place".

or something to cure the boredom of staring at someone in the bikini.

If you're up for it, grab yourself a shirt at redbubble. Buy it for yourself, or someone you like to perve on.

And if you want it on a bikini bottom, leave a comment down below...

Juxtapositions are fun

I love a good juxtaposition. Or even a cheap one.

Although, in retrospect, I should have given him bigger feet.

Harking back to the days of Mortal Combat. And pizza.

If you haven't heard of The Toxic Avenger, this design will probably go over your head.

All these designs are available at redbubble.

So go there and get juxtaposed, bi-atches!

(Sorry, I don't know where that came from...)

Tales of (Spanking) the Gold Monkey

I've been a recent convert to the Kevin Smith range of podcasts: "Jay and Silent Bob Get Old", "Hollywood Babble-On" and the original "Smodcast".

I've worked my way through the back catalogue of "Jay and Silent Bob Get Old", which began as a place to tell the history of Jason Mewes' addiction to drugs, and eventually as a public intervention, a way to keep him accountable for his actions in front of a weekly live audience, as well as a podcast audience of thousands. Jay's story boggles the mind: he goes through highs and lows (oddly enough, usually while high) and is extremely un-self-conscious about it all.

Throughout his years of addiction, one thing has kept him alive: Kevin Smith.

If it wasn't for Kevin Smith, Jay would probably be dead. I'd like to say "dead or eventually cleaned himself up", but the truth of the matter is without Smith's help, Jay would have continued to spiral down. Throughout the stories that Kevin and Jay tell, Jay is never the instigator of his salvation. Usually, he is the unwilling participant. It's up to Smith, Smith and Mewes' wives and their friends to intervene, drag Jay back from the edge, coerce him into rehab and generally straighten up and fly right. Which he does. For a while.

Alternatively, Smith muses that possibly he is the cause of the problem. By giving Mewes his break in "Clerks", then following up with roles in other movies, making Mewes a genuine paid actor, Smith wonders aloud that maybe he is at fault for giving Jay a career in acting and not allowing Mewes to mature and find himself actual employment. The idea has some merit, that Kevin Smith is an "enabler" to all of Jason Mewes' drug woes. No matter what happens in Jay's life, Kevin is always ready and available to pick up the pieces, set Mewes up in rehab, or just in Smith's own home, and try to straighten him out.

The question must be asked: when will he learn? The other question is: which one am I talking about?

Nevertheless, the podcast is enlightening, brave, honest and laugh-out-loud funny. Well recommended.

I've gotten a little behind on "Jay and Silent Get Old" because I've found my new favourite SModcast, "Hollywood Babble-On". Hosted by Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman, it's about Hollywood news and gossip generally - movie openings, celebrity deaths, charitable celebrities ("Hollywood Helpers, when you need a helping... ham...") and the sort. Interspersed with their various celebrity anecdotes are impersonations by Garman, who works for KROK in LA, and stories about smoking weed and masturbating by Smith. It's a happy balance.

The funniest thing about "Hollywood Babble-On" (or "HBO" as they abbreviate it... for now...) is that so many of the references are of my time, and would probably fly over the head of people under 30 years old. 80s TV shows, movies from 30 years ago, 1960s music icons. The impersonations in particular focus around the late 70s to early 90s, which is perfect for me.

An interesting point about this podcast is that Smith and Garman don't have any concerns about some of the litigious statements they make about celebrities, which is surprising considering the neighbourhood they're working in. For example, saying Arnold Schwarzenegger is a massive stoner or Chelsea Handler is a talentless c*nt is usually the kind of thing that has "allegedly" or "insiders say..." pasted onto the front, but Smith and Garman don't seem concerned about setting themselves to be sued. Maybe it's a case of "If it's a lie, prove it!"

Indeed, like "Jay and Silent Get Old", this podcast is also extremely honest about aspects of Smith and Garman's lives. Smith is quite open about being a huge stoner, morbidly obese, and a chronic masturbator (even if he balances it out by saying he does the latter to naked pictures of his own wife, which of course goes with my own sensibilities). Garman is pretty open about his absolute disgust at people who have succeeded more than he has, for example the fore-mentioned Chelsea Handler.

Considering he's got at least three podcasts to record a week, plus his daily regime of masturbation and smoking weed, I question how Kevin Smith gets anything done. But he does: he's got a new movie in the can, his first horror movie, "Red State". I'm looking forward to seeing it, considering I've enjoyed most of his output over the years.

And I'm certainly enjoying his current projects.

The "Birth. School. Kevin Smith. Credits." T-shirt design is a parody of the famous Metallica Gig shirt. If you don't get the joke about credits, I suggest you listen to the podcast. After you've bought a shirt, of course.

You've been listening too, or just missed...

And now, a little musical interlude, featuring Pete Smith, the voice of Channel Nine.

This tune made it's first appearance on the Boxcutters blog, in response to a gag at the end of the Episode 251 regarding "Twin Peaks".

The Broke Ass Bride's got good taste.

My shirt design, "The Best Men" was just included on the newsletter for The Broke-Ass Bride as a little "something something" for the groom's party.

Show her some reciprocal love.

What does Disability look like to you?

Here's another thing gewgaw from the recent catalogues…

Yooralla hosted a design comp asking for design based on the concept "What does disability look like".

My thought was: If you were disabled, who would you look up to as a role model, someone who hasn't been hindered by their disability, but instead has used it to their advantage?

The answer: A pirate. Sure, there are some negative connotations, what with the death and the dismemberment and the cursed Aztec gold, but pirates are still in vogue at the moment, and with Pirates of the Caribbean 4 currently in production, they probably will be for a few years more.

And surely someone who is feeling marginalised by society from being disabled would feel a kinship with someone who skirts around the edges of society with finesse and zeal.

Zeal! There's a word I never get to use enough! Say it with me: "Zzzzzzzzeal!"

Long story short, I didn't win. I got beaten by "Bufferman", amongst others.

Superheroes beat pirates. Who knew?

Disabilities with Attitude: Now available from Redbubble.